I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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