My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
