Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
