so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
