at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
