I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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