Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
