Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
