I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
