Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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