i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
