Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
