meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
