well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
