i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
