i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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