"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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