I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
