It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Green mimosas i think yes
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
