direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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