i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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