Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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