My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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