Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
