I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
