i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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