Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
