Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Randomize
