Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
