the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
That was before I lit my hair on fire
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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