Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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