My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
