I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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