ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
