im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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