You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
