There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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