today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Alive.
So much puke
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I would fuck him just for his dog
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
