i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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