Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
