Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
