It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
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We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
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The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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