I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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