PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
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