Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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