remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
