why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
