im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
