just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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