remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Send help, water and tortillas.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
