she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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