Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
