I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
