I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
