and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
