i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
