i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Randomize
