all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
