The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
