mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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