I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
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Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
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I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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