I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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